Forgiveness: Do it for Yourself

By the time we get to adulthood, we may have experienced many interpersonal hurts:  sexual abuse, bullying, dysfunctional family environments, divorced parents, an unfaithful lover, to name a few. 

Learning to forgive these hurts benefits the forgiver.  Studies show that forgiveness can increase self-esteem, improve relationships, increase hope, lower levels of anxiety, grief, and anger.  There are also physical health benefits like lowered blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and improved heart health.

Interpersonal hurts cause resentments. “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die,” said St. Augustine.  We think holding onto that pain will hurt the other person, but the one who is hurt is us.  Resentment comes from the French resentir.  The root word, sentir, means to feel.  Resentment means to re-feel those emotions over and over again.  From my experience of resentment and forgiveness, that sounds accurate and it’s awful!

Forgiving is hard.  Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu wrote a poem, “The Prayer Before the Prayer”, about how hard it is. They recognize that we have to be ready to soften our heart. The first part of the poem reads:

I want to be willing to forgive

But I dare not ask for the will to forgive

In case you give it to me

And I am not ready. 

We can live with unforgiveness until it begins to feel intolerable.  Then we feel the need to resolve that tension because it is using up too much energy and we want or need that energy for other purposes in our lives.

Robert D. Enright, PhD., is a pioneer in the study of forgiveness. He has written books and conducted much research on the topic.   Enright describes the four phases of forgiveness.

In the first phase, Uncovering Phase, the harmed person looks at the incident and recognizes the harm endured and the emotions that are attached to that harm.  It requires an honest look at the emotions and thoughts, even “negative” ones such as anger and hatred.  Facing these can be quite emotionally distressing.  And sometimes we are not ready for that.  But if we are able to face it, the anger can help the healing to begin.

The second phase, Decision Phase, involves the harmed person making a decision whether or not they want to or are ready to forgive the perpetrator.  They weigh the pain involved in processing the incident against the pain involved in continuing to spend energy on the perpetrator.  The individual realizes that forgiveness can help them heal.  The harmed person commits to at least take the next steps toward forgiving the injurer.

The third phase, Work Phase, involves the active work of forgiving.  It may involve looking at the injurer from a new perspective, not to excuse the harm, but to see them as human.  That may be the hardest part of the process for many people.  Acceptance is also part of this phase.  We accept that we cannot change the past.  It can involve the resolution to not pass the harm to others. We determine whether we want to reconcile with the perpetrator (which is something that is NEVER a requirement in forgiveness).

The fourth phase, Outcome/Deepening Phase, involves the realization that emotional relief is being experienced.  Looking for the meaning in the suffering, potential for increased empathy towards the perpetrator or others in general can also be a result.  We discover that as we forgive others, we experience healing.

If you are interested in learning more about and practicing forgiveness, I am offering group counseling on that topic beginning in July.

Thanks for reading,

Kelly